I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ugly people sure do ruin things
my being single is dangerous.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
