She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
