I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
