The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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