I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
