We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
