All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
