I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
