thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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