Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize