grandma shit on top of the toilet
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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