when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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