All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
