made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
