He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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