So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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