3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
