i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i came on her dog
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
