White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
