the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
