I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
