I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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