Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
