today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
