I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
