when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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