WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
