This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
