just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
