I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
