Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize