She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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