"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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