when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
