i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
