oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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