Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
