I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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