I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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