mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
