Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize