i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dignity is for republicans.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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