felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
