Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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