I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My ATM looks so different sober.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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