He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
