when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
