I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
