I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize