im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
