Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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