I wanna bring you to show and tell
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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