Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
