I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
