Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
