it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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