UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
