we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
