If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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