your parents love me but you hate me
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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