He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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