I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We got so high we made milksteak
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
