The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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