I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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