hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
