My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize