Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
