I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
