"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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