At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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