Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
