Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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